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If anyone comes here and wants to sub I will totally get this page going and use it. I have had one person sub and then quickly unsub. I had no idea the damn paged was even visible. I didn't get notified that I had a sub or I would have hit them up with some interaction. I cant populate every page I have daily, and if one has no traffic at all I wont look at it for a long time, if ever. I am trying streaming while gaming soon. 🤷🏼‍♂️ could be fun. This past year has been pure shit, not much better than the prior years. I aim to change that. Anyhow... if I see someone here I do, if I don't, I don't... hmu if you want me to start blogging a bit again 🤘🏻 idk

<p>This app feels like a complete waste of time... zero activity. I cant pour anymore time into this for nothing.</p><p>Sunroom selling/merging whatever 🙄... hopefully it worked out for everyone else because this isnt happening for me. </p><p>If anyone actually sees this and wants to help with whatever I am doing incorrectly, don't hesitate to contact me. I will be thinking about what to do with this page ... at this point its useless</p>

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<p>I was trying to post on here regularly and play catchup up.. use this like my blog was being utilized. </p><p>I just dont know man... 😕 </p><p>I cant even tell if this page gets views. I have no fucking clue if its even active. </p><p>I got back on Instagram- it takes a lot of my time but I guess its a necessary part of life if you are forced to do the kind of work I do.</p><p>I want to come back to this and elaborate a bit. I am being pulled away ... </p>

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<p>I have to express how excited I am about the progress on our yard! It is phenomenal how much the flowers from seed are flourishing! The first plants I put in this yard tried to die and I kept having to move them. Most of them didnt make it but the marigolds did. I collect seeds and replanted them.. BOOM they look so good!!! </p><p>Next year in the spring I am going to have so many coming up! I have been collecting seeds for over a month. I collect all of the flower tops and pop them open. At this point I have about 4 gallon bags full of marigold seeds. I will collect the flower tops until they are gone. I should have more than enough for next year. Holy cow, I could potentially have enough to fill my front yard with them 😳 </p><p>Daisy's birthday was the 29th.. we went over to the facility with her cake. She was allowed to take a handful and pig out. I make the same cake for her every year. She loves it. Its been my favorite since I was young also. </p><p>Shoot.. I have to cut this short and try to come back and edit later. </p>

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<p>Things are not easy. I am trying too hard and I feel angry right now. I think there are too many instances where I give in and let people walk all over me. I don't feel like an equal, and I keep having the urge to show I am worth more than what I am. </p><p>A stupid issue occurred. A misunderstanding. From what was explained to me, the person heard what they wanted to hear - not the clear words that were spoke and they got angry. ​I do not feel I should be responsible for apologizing and bowing down over this issue. I am getting the sense that is what's necessary for us to be okay again. This is bullshit. I am not doing this. FmFL</p><p>UGH HONESTLY!!!! Its the next morning after the issue and I cant even believe this is an issue still. I am too angry to type anything. 😑 </p><p></p>

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<p>During this time of the photos, I needed to get fall prep done for the house plants. It is going to get cold soon and they will all suffer if I don't get them new soil and room to grow. I like to repot them a couple times a year or see what they need at those times. </p><p>Getting the house thoroughly cleaned and organized for the winter is priority for me. I am not able to handle my home being dusty or grimy. I have been called a clean freak but I don't really feel I am on that level all of the time. I would love to have a tidier existence but its not always possible. </p><p>This is the week I had a Sunday with my tattoo artist. I am ready to have my torso finished so I can take a break. I think my body is telling me the EDS is causing me to need longer than usual healing time. It has been a chore honestly. And the feeling has changed also. Lately I can either barely feel or its much worse than I could have imagined. I have never tapped out on a session but lately I have it run through my head at times "why the hell am I here doing this, why does it matter". ​Maybe its just the timing?</p>

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<p>I had to take a break from updating this page due to a huge post I made not actually loading. I typed SO much for it all to disappear.. and oddly the photos I posted with it says they are in the posted section. So where the hell did the post go?? </p><p>Anyhow! I have been working on the house and getting things done. I also hitting up therapy each week and talking about the kids the majority of the time.</p><p>I am going to get back on track with getting up to date here. I sometimes wonder if it will be worth it to have this page. </p><p> ​​</p>

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Welp.. we found some old termite damaged wood in the wall. It looks like a wood explosion. We needed to tear it out but first we hit up the final weekend of the Renaissance fair. It has been years since either of us has gone to the ren fair! I actually used to work for a company in Ignacio that makes Renaissance toys. I made toys in a workshop. I routed out the shields, helped with sanding everything, painting, staining, screen printing, wrapping and boxing for online orders. I also helped gear up for the fairs they attended. It was a pretty cool job. I had to quit in 2009 after the "DV". My children's father attacked me. I was grabbed by the throat by a 6'6" man who is pretty damn strong. He knocked two long tables over while strangling me and then we ended up on the ground. He was choking me while thrusting into the ground. A mutual friend pulled him off me and saved my life. My mother was on the phone with me when he attacked me, she heard the whole thing. She had experience with my father and other men abusing her. She told me to get out now, so I ran to a church down the road and called my friend who happened to also be my co-worker. It was his dad's company. Him and his chick at the time picked me up. The next day it was all called in... thats a whole other story.. another post some other time Anyhow, after being attacked it made it difficult for me to work. I was so hypervigilant that it was dangerous for me to work in the shop around power tools, etc. I was pretty unwell after that. The PTSD was already bad, this made it worse. The Ren fair is in Larkspur, Colorado. It is a beautiful area. I took a few road photos on the way there and back. We decided to drive a scenic long route home. There was SO much open area! Very beautiful as always though, Colorado is gorgeous. The cats were happy to have us back home and we did end up buttoning up that wall! Now we have a nice sized opening. We plan to move most of the plumbing! New spot for the toilet, sink and big shower instead of a tub!

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These are photos from riding in the vehicle up to Howard Colorado. Once you get out of Canon City the scenery changes, it is beautiful. I have been focusing on not looking at the road when we are in the vehicle. I have complex ptsd (CPTSD) there is severe trauma that comes from my childhood and though I have been working on it for decades, it is still an issue. I found that now, since my daughter is in the treatment center, I have much less stress that is in my face. This is seeming to allow room for my old worries to come back to the front of the brain. When I was a small child, my mother was a volunteer paramedic. We lived near the beach in Texas, Crystal Beach. There were a lot of car accidents or other accidents that my mom had to assist with until an ambulance arrived. I recall a lot of things that were probably overblown by my child brain. I recall a lot of blood covered everything, fabric and towels she used for emergency first aid. I recall seeing some things that will always stick with me, I will never know how accurate the memories are. I do remember my mom having a lot of Christmas ornaments that were from people she helped save. Christmas cards and letters. Odd memories that aren't terrible but scary for a small child. I have had problems for years with safety and vehicles. Other things happened that were traumatic also. The road rage from my father, there were lots of emergency drives evacuating from hurricanes, packing up and leaving when the abuse was too much for my mom, all of the emergency hurry up and go situations. I have a lot of nightmares and when I am riding in vehicles I see the accidents that could happen. I feel the fear, agony and grief of the accident past, present, and future but all in my head. Its been like this since I was very young. I didnt even get my license til I was 25 due to my fear of vehicles. Now I am more worried about the drivers abilities to operate and maintain their vehicles! I have trust issues... other drivers are low on the totem pole. I also can't trust our system to have licensed drivers on the roads who understand our rules and road conditions. 🤷🏼‍♂️ So now I am taking more photos while driving or I do duolingo and practice learning German. I try to find things to help myself stay calm.